Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
