Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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