What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
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You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
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I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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