That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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