This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
