He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
