i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
did i walk over a car last night?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
