i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
