i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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