my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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