I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
