yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
