Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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