MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I need a burrito and a hug.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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