im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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