You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
