Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Dicks are not precious.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
