if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
