Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
