he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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