The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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