1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
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So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
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He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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