i need an iv and a liver transplant
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
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