i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
