you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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