I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
