I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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