Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
