finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Randomize
