My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
