***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
