Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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