I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
