I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
