Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
