Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
