Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
oh god was she eating orange peels again
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
