Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Randomize
