i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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