i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
they need to just BURY HIM!
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
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