I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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