You work out of a Hotel?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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