So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
