I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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