What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Randomize
