the day after is always just damage control
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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