thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
