Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
