there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
