Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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