i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
