Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Randomize
