Plan B is the new Plan A
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
