You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
