Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
