WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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