Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
