U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.