i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.