I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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